heaving through corrupted lungs / callie

[charlotte]

bea rummaged in her bag, before locating her keys amongst various tube tickets, make up and other bits and bobs that had been cluttering her bag for the past few months. she couldn’t believe she was letting him come back, letting him into such a huge part of her life: her house. it sounded so silly, but she had always believed you could tell so much about someone from their living space and now she was inviting him into hers. inserting the key into the lock, she twisted it, pushing the door open, a lip pressed to her lips as she looked to ash. she really didn’t want her flatmates to come out and see what was going on with the two of them in the state. she grabbed him by the hand, pulling him inside, before locking the door again. she didn’t want him to stay in the small living space the flat shared. it was a mess as usual - unwashed dishes, magazines littering the table, alcohol lined up against one of the kitchen counters as though the place was a bar. she wasn’t ashamed to live like this, all students did. but ash wasn’t a student. he wouldn’t understand that it was okay and live in so much mess, sharing such a little space with seven other girls, and that eating tinned spaghetti hoops for dinner wasn’t all that bad.

her hand tightly on his, she pulled him down the landing, before reaching her own bedroom. praying it wasn’t too messy, she pushed open the door, letting him inside and shutting it quickly behind him. it was moderately sized - university halls weren’t exactly renowned for their spacious rooms. if anything, she was one of the lucky ones, seeing as she had an ensuite and a queen sized bed. that was considered to be luxury. she had tried to make it as homely as possible - books and dvds lined the shelves above her desk, fairy lights adorned the bed frame and photos made up the wall above her bed. there must’ve been close to a hundred, ranging all the way back to baby photos. “well, this is it.” she smiled, gesturing around the room. she pushed one of the photo frames down as quickly and as subtly as possible on her desk. it was one of her and her brother, taken just a few months before his death, and she just wasn’t in the mood to explain to ash about him right now.

she sat down cross-legged on her bed, drawing her knees under her body. it was so weird, him being here, in her space. she wondered what he thought of it, since it was pretty much a hovel compared to his flat. but she didn’t care what he thought. this was how she lived, and she’d invited him into that, if he didn’t want to sleep on her floor, he could just leave. she stood up, drawing the curtains before switching on a lamp on her desk, bathing the room in a soft glow of light. “i need to get changed.” ash may be sleeping unclothed, but she most definitely wasn’t. she wasn’t going to tease him, or let him think that he could come onto her. “turn around, frey, i don’t want you looking.” a smile lined her features. she was punishing ash.

tags;; callie
words;; 560
notes;; here we goooo

[ash]

he followed behind bea closely on shaky legs as she led him to her dorm. sure, he had been to the college before for other hook-ups, but he never realized how nice it actually was. soon, they were to bea's dorm and she fiddled around in her bag for a bit looking for, what ash guessed, her keys. a small smile played on his face as he watched her. but, this was a time for thinking and thinking was exactly what he was doing. why had she brought him back here? he knew bea, and from what he had known before she had been sort of a hard-ass with not a care in the world for the likes of other people. apparently, he was exempt from that rule something he enjoyed quite a lot. yeah, ashton might have been a total twat sometimes, but at least he knew he had bea.

finally, after what seemed like ages, bea pulled a pair of keys out of her bag and pulled a finger to her lips. ash let out a chuckle at her, before throwing his hand over his own mouth in order to show he wouldn't be talking so he couldn't possibly divert attention to himself from her fellow flat-mates. no, bea didn't want that so he couldn't do that to her. to anyone else, he probaly would have been jumping around their dorm like a wild monkey just to wake the neighbors. her hand was gripped tightly around hers, and he gave it a quick squeeze almost as if to reassure her all of this was okay. he was still a bit infatuated with alcohol, and he stumbled a little as he walked. his feet were heavy, and he noted they were making quite a bit of noise. well, it was only a lot of noise since the rest of the dorm was completely silent so he figured the other room mates wouldn't be able to hear him anyways.

they continued down a landing until they arrived at presumably bea's room, and he was proved right as she dragged him inside. he shut the door quietly before turning to face her, and found her to be sitting cross legged on the bed. "nice place." he actually meant it, he had been in plenty of dorms and this one was much bigger than the single beds he had been staying in before. the room itself wasn't bad either - maybe the word was homey? "fine, fine i won't look! but hurry up i'm tired!" he pulled his arms up into a huge dramatic stretch before turning to face the door again and began fiddling with the doorknob as he waited for her to change.

OOC: poopy post, but it's ok

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[charlotte]

she rolled her eyes as he complimented her room. he’d probably kill himself if he had to stay somewhere like this, with so little privacy and space. but hey, at least he wasn’t rude about it, then she probably would kick him out straight away. “oi, you lost the right to tell me what to do or complain when i kindly offered to bring you here instead of leaving you on the streets to die.” her voice was light and jokey, not at all malicious, but she would probably make ash in her debt for this favour from now on. bea didn’t do stuff from the kindness of her heart. it was selfish, but she tended to do something if she would get something in return. dancing had brought her up in such a competitive, dog eat dog world, that you’d struggle to find a dancer without the same mentality. but mostly, she would remind ash of this for time time to come just to embarrass him. and to make him realise how lucky he was to have her. sure, she knew she wasn’t the nicest of girls, but he had been a complete arsehole, and giving him a place to sleep when he obviously couldn’t get home alone was a pretty sweet thing to do.

as he turned, she pulled her top over her head, before slinging it other the back of a chair by her desk, before grabbing a loose and faded t-shirt from a draw and putting that on. having taken her shorts off, she put those over the back of the chair too. “okay, okay, you can turn round now.” the t-shirt was pretty massive on her athletic frame, due to the fact it was originally for men, and too many washes had stretched it out. it covered the tops of her thighs, meaning that she didn’t feel like she was revealing too much even though she was just in her typical underwear and t-shirt get up. sighing, she lay down on top of her duvet, lying pencil straight, her eyes trained to the ceiling. there was enough room for ash to lie down next to her, but she wasn’t sure whether he’d dare to. she most definitely wasn’t going to ask him to. she couldn’t act like she wanted him. she was still angry, so so angry, but ash just had that way of making everything seem a little bit more okay, even when he had cocked up.

“you should feel honoured, you know? i don’t bring many guys back here.” she smiled at him, raising an eyebrow as though he really should be savouring the moment. it was true though. she wanted her space to be just that,- hers, and not messed up with other guys that she didn’t care about touching her stuff, or looking at her photos, or criticising her dvd collection. if she had no emotional attachment to someone, she didn’t want them to be prying into her life. besides, sex away from a double bed was so much less comfortable.

tags;; callie
words;; 510
notes;; eh, mine isn't any better

[ash]

it was odd, really, the fact that she was accepting him back into her life so easily. it was simple, she should have kicked him out, that's what the bea he had fallen for would have done. not that he wasn't falling for this one either, no he was liking this one almost as much as the original. her voice rang out again saying he had permission to look, and his blue eyes took in her new get-up. it was the usual, well usual for what they wore after they shagged. he had grown used to seeing her in a t-shirt, and he opted to change himself. but he waited until she had settled into the bed, her body completely straight and her mouth moving to say he should feel honored. oh he definitely did feel honoured, but he wouldn't tell her that so he just chuckled softly at the comment.

he then proceeded to rid himself of his own clothes, pulling down his jeans quickly, leaving his boxers on, and then ripping the shirt off over his head. he threw them on the ground carelessly, it wasn't like he'd wear them for a while anyways. so there he was, only clad in boxers due to the fact his clothes were all back at his flat, just standing there. sure, he had said he'd be sleeping naked, but he wasn't sleeping yet so he wouldn't remove them so soon. he found himself watching bea before coming to a decision.

he walked over to her bed and shimmied his way on up next to her, laying on his side so he was facing her. his knees just barely brushed his legs, but he kept his face out of hers knowing his breath probaly stunk and knowing she wouldn't want an eyeful of him right now anyways. he lay there silently, not knowing what to say or do.

OOC: sdfjksdahjk

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[charlotte]

somehow ash had managed to tear down all the walls bea had been building up over the past few years. sure, she was still the same old sarcastic and blunt girl, but now she was careful. there were feelings involved and you couldn’t just mess with people’s feelings, with no concern for how that would make them feel. it was slightly worrying how easily he had gotten to know her. bea had prided herself on the fact that no one ever truly knew her that well. she had always seem her independence as a good thing. but she had been growing less and less independent recently. was that why she had let ash come back to hers? because she needed him to be there, more than he needed a place to stay? it was also quite concerning how easily he’d been able to hurt her. bea would always brush things off, act as though she was impenetrable, and nothing could hurt her. but this time she was hurt, and she hated the fact that she was. she had always been the one who pitied the clinginess of girls in relationships, pining over guys and inevitably getting their hearts broken. but now she was just pretty much one of them.

and then his body was next to hers, barely clothed. she didn’t say anything, just let him lie there. in all honesty, she didn’t know what to do. after sleeping the alcohol left in her system off, she’d probably regret letting it go so easily. she hadn’t forgiven him, but she was acting like she had. the thing was, she didn’t like ash like this: sad, and moody and low. she wanted the flirty ash back, with his charm, and she knew she wouldn’t the longer she chose to be angry. but was it really right to just forgive him just to have him back in her life? she nestled her head into his shoulder, lying on his arm. he smelt like alcohol, but was still the same warm and cosy ash that she shared morning cuddles with. “why did you do it, ashton?” the elephant in the room was getting too much, and she needed to address the situation before it just got out of control. the problem was, if they didn’t discuss it, she’d never get over it.

she tipped her head upwards slightly, so she could see his face. “i mean, you went on a huge rant about how i hurt you, and how i was to never hurt you, and then you just turned around and threw it back in my face.” she sighed, rolling away from him so she was flat on my back. “i’m so stupid, i just feel so humiliated, ash. what did i even do to deserve this?” her anger was clear by the dark expression on her face, despite the fact that she kept her voice level and soft, trying not to disturb anyone else in the house. hopefully he was a bit more sober now, and could formulate a proper answer.

tags;; callie
words;; 510
notes;; poor poor bea, silly ash :b

[ash]

he had changed in the past couple of days, well sort of. he had made promises to a girl that he had actually intended to keep. ashton always threw around promises, but they were broken within minutes. he just didn't give a fuck with any of the other girls, but then there was bea and she was just... bea. sure, it had all started out with sex but it had turned into something different and ash found that he trusted her so much he'd do basically anything for her and expect nothing in return. and now here he was, lying with her on the bed completely silent in fear that he might screw things up again. that whole night had been ruined thanks to a mistake ash had so dumbly made. he just couldn't resist the urge to go get completely wasted, and his fault had brought them to this.. this fight. they were doing pretty well for a fight though, no harsh words had been thrown yet. they had in the bar, but they were both so much more wasted then. the alcohol had wore off just the tiniest bit, but it was still beating through ash's system heavily.

"i don't know why i did it bea. i was drunk, and well i don't know." he hoped she wouldn't bring up that saying that drunk minds speak sober hearts because he wasn't interested in bea's blond friend in the slightest. she had been an easy enough shag apparently, and ash just got horny while he was drunk and she was just there. that's what he figured at least, as he couldn't even remember the night. sure, he remembered going there with one of the lads and some girl had offered him a drink. he accepted, he never could turn down a drink. or several drinks. the rest of the night was a blur, so blurry it was basically wrung out from his mind and he couldn't seem to piece it back together. there was too many puzzle pieces and it seemed as though he had lost a few.

"you're not stupid bea, i'm the stupid one. i'm the stupid one who goes out and get's drunk and horny and fucks randoms. you know that, you've seen me in action and every single shag i've been at least buzzed and by the time we get to the bedroom i am drunk. i'm completely wasted. but i was never like that with you, we were always sober. both of us were. i was drunk the other night.. i can't even remember it. i know i said i'd give up drinking, but it's just so hard! i love alcohol, and i can't control myself." he had wailed a few times, just like a small child who wasn't getting his way but he had kept his composure for most of it. he just couldn't explain to her how sorry he really was.

OOC: silly ashy washy

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[charlotte]

being drunk was not an excuse. it wasn’t like you could kill a guy and then be like ‘oh, sorry i was drunk’ and the relatives would turn around and say ‘no big deal, you were drunk, it’s understandable.’ breaking a vase was acceptable drunk behaviour. sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend was not. alcohol didn’t make you lose all your morals, and actually being a decent person, and bea couldn’t understand why he thought she’d be fine with it if he was drunk. “being drunk doesn’t give you the right to sleep with my best friend.” her voice was stony cold. she moved away from him slightly, rolling over so they’d be face to face. her back was pressed against the wall behind her, leaving a bit of space between her and ash.

she absentmindedly began picking at a loose thread on her t-shirt. she didn’t know where to look right now. she was so angry, and scared that if she looked at him she’d start to cry. and his attempt to make everything better wasn’t exactly working. he had told her that he’d drink less. well, that had obviously gone completely out of the window. she didn’t mind people drinking, she did it. but ash didn’t just drink. he was forever so wasted, barely managing to get himself home. she was surprised he hadn’t gotten hurt before, by putting himself in such a vulnerable position. “well i must have been completely fucking stupid to actually believe you’d change if we were together.” and stupid was what she was. who were they kidding? they didn’t want a relationship. he most definitely didn’t, seeing as he couldn’t even stick to it for two days. and she was stupid for dropping all her previous opinions on relationships for ash, when he wasn’t even going to stick to it.

“ash, i can’t look after you. look at me, i can barely look after myself! if i wanted to take care of something, i’d have bought a cat, or at least sea monkeys by now. but you know what, i don’t want to take care of anyone. hence why i don’t get emotionally attached even to the girls i live with because i don’t want to have to be the one with the tissues when they get called fat or whatever.” she paused, sighing, rolling over to look back at ash again. “the things is, i don’t want to wait for you to mess up, and have to forgive you, and take you home because you’re too wasted to get there yourself. you’re not my child.” perhaps she was being a little harsh, but she was so angry. being drunk was not an excuse for any sort of behaviour, and she was genuinely worried about him. one day he’d probably do something really really stupid, and chances were the people involved wouldn’t be as forgiving as bea had been. “it’s just… it’s justi care about you too much to watch you throw everything away for the sake of a few drinks.”

tags;; callie
words;; 508
notes;; bea's got her claws out

[ash]

well that hurt, yeah she was kind of stupid. well, not exactly. she had allowed ash back into her life, which was amazing. it was ash's stupidity that was causing everything to crumble. he sat there silently a sad expression etched into his face. it seemed as though this was his only facial expression as of late. the frowns never seemed to stray far from his lips, and his blue orbs always seemed to be pools of sadness just waiting to spill over. yes, what she had said hurt, but it also made him a bit angry on the inside. yeah, he got it. being drunk wasn't an excuse, but he was drunk and that was what had happened. he couldn't control himself, and she was going to have to live with that. or she was going to have to leave.

but he couldn't say that, no, he could never say that out loud. he wasn't going to lose her if he had anything to say about it. so he sat there listening to her rant not uttering a single word. everything she said was true, except for the part about herself being stupid. ash took that role in the relationship. point blank. but it was her last words that really caught him off guard. he squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at his temples a bit. wow, how would he respond to that? it was almost as though she had set off a bomb, but only ash was reacting to it. he had no words to describe what he was feeling or thinking, and he probably came off as heartless to bea. great now he was a stupid fucking heartless bastard. way to go ash. way to go.

"bea.." he didn't know how to start, so he let silence fall again and looked into her eyes. she didn't look sad, no she looked angry. terrifyling angry. he moved away from her a bit just to be safe, and he realized she'd notice that but at this point he didn't care what she thought of him because he was going to lose her. there was no doubt about it. "i - thank you. i mean thank you for caring for me. most people don't care for me, they like to see me get drunk and see what kinds of things i'll do. and i just don't know how to stop bea. i know i already said this. but i don't want to go to rehab, you know how bad that'd be for the rest of the band? i'm pretty sure i'm an alcoholic, but i can't hurt them for the sake of myself. i just i don't know what to do. i get so fucked up i can't ever remember anything, which is what happened with bekah! i know this is no excuse, but it just fucking happened. i can't go and change the past bea. i got so shitfaced i.. i don't even fucking know!" what had started with sad eyes ended with fury. oh ash.

OOC: hermp

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[charlotte]

he had moved away from her. it was subtle, but she had noticed. she studied psychology, for gods sake. what was ash doing? she watched body language like a hawk, and his wasn’t too great right now. she sat up, crossing her legs with her hands folded in her lap, letting her head rest against the wall behind her. eyes drooping, she was ridiculously tired, and wanted to sleep, but now ash was making her angry, adrenaline pumping through her veins, making her feel more awake. the band. there it was again, it was always about them. it was understandable that they were a huge part of their life, but she was fed up of everything having to be at their expense. he needed help and he wasn’t going to seek that because of them? they were supposed to be his best friends, and if they were they’d let him go and be better. “you need to start thinking about yourself. you’re a person, you know, not just a fifth of a band.”

and then there was rage. it was undeniable, he was angry, angry with her, and, in turn, that made her angry with him. he had no right to raise his voice with her, and she wasn’t going to let it slide that easily. always defiant, bea had never been afraid to raise issues with things if she wasn’t happy. “don’t take this out on me, ash. you’re the one who fucked up, remember?” she hadn’t really meant it, but the words had left her lips and it was too late to take them back. if he was angry before, he’d probably be livid now. but in that moment she didn’t care. he couldn’t just pretend the problems didn’t exist and that his mistakes wouldn’t have repercussions. it just didn’t feel like they were getting anywhere. part of her just wanted to lie down, wrapped up in his arms, and fall asleep, but she’d crossed a line, and that couldn’t just happen now. her head was starting to hurt, alcohol wearing off, and lack of sleep making her temple throb slightly. it was too much to deal with, and she wanted to push it aside and say it could wait until the morning, but it was just too late for that.

she lay her head back on her pillow, this time facing the wall, her back to ash. drawing her knees up to her chest, she shut her eyes, trying to block out all the shit they were having to deal with, wondering what he would do if she just fell asleep then and there. probably just leave while he had the choice, and she wouldn’t blame him; she was pretty angry. she still didn’t really know what would happen in the morning. it wasn’t like he could just casually sit eat eating breakfast at the kitchen table, going unnoticed by her flatmates. this was such a bad idea, she should’ve just pressured him into letting them go to his. she sighed finally, her back still to the boy. “i don’t know ash, you promised me things would change, and they really need to. i can’t let someone fall through the cracks, not again.” small problems always escalated, she had learnt that from her brother. one day someone broke into your locker, and the next day you took a gun to school. things didn’t disappear, and ash’s problems certainly weren’t going to. bea couldn’t just let him amble along, drinking himself to death. “if things don’t change then, well… then i guess this is it. i’m not going to just sit back and watch you fuck up your life.”

tags;; callie
words;; 611
notes;; asdfghjkl noooooooo!

[ash]

silence. how was he supposed to reply to that? he sat there quietly, attempting to hide the emotions swirling inside his body like a storm, but his eyes willingly betrayed them. sadness, not only from her words but also from the way he had shouted at her. she didn't deserve that, not at all. it wasn't her fault he was this blubbering mess on the inside, someone who couldn't control himself around alcohol or woman. he should have been able to by now, he was twenty years old and still couldn't take care of himself. apparently, he couldn't speak either.

his tongue felt dry, like it didn't belong in his mouth. almost as though someone had stuffed white fluffy cotton balls in there in order to dry it out. his throat burned, he was desperate for water or something. why? did she really have so much control over him that her words could hurt like that? apparently. it was sad, he had built these strong thick walls up around himself to avoid feelings, but she had broken through them so easily. he wasn't as strong as he thought, no, he was a fucking weakling. a fucking weakling who couldn't take care of himself or control himself around alcohol or woman. what was wrong with him?

she was going to kick him out, he thought. it was a wonder she hadn't already. why was she dealing with all his shit? did she love him? no, he wasn't loveable. he was an arsehole, someone who deserved to lie broken and beaten in the streets. he felt like crying, he could feel the tears bubbling in his eyes, but he couldn't do that. he wasn't going to break down in front of her again. she already had too much power over him, he couldn't give her more. he didn't know what to say, he was absolutely stupid, he thought. another thing he could add to the list of things he fucked up. yeah, that's exactly what this was.

he nodded, simple as that with his teeth gnawing into his bottom lip. blood, metallic and gross as always, spilled onto his tongue and his eyes watered. he slowly rose from the bed with another shaky nod, more assuring himself than anyone else. his feet touched the ground, and other than a gentle thud there was still only silence. he pushed himself off the bed with a gentle breath and then he walked on ever growing shaky legs to his bundle of clothes. they were wet with sweat, but he didn't fucking care. he slid them on not caring about the wrinkles, and he missed a few buttons. his suspenders fell limp at his sides, there was no need for them now. it wasn't like he was going to woo the taxi driver or anything. after he was dressed, he turned to her. he didn't expect anything from her, but he just searched her face.

he couldn't see anything, her face was blurred about by his own watery eyes. no tears had spilled yet, but he'd probably be sobbing by the time he reached his own flat. he didn't offer her a smile, or a nod, he just stared at her trying to get a good view of her face behind the water filling his eyes. one single tear dropped, he didn't bother wiping it away. "i don't know how to change." he left her with that before turning towards the door again and gently turning the knob to provide as little sound as possible. it opened with an ever so quiet creak, but it was blocked out behind the roaring in his own ears. he was deaf, he was going blind, everything was falling apart. he slowly made his way down the landing and stopped at the front door of the dorm before speaking in a hushed tone, "so this is it then."

OOC: satisfying post? lols idk what i'm doing with him.

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[charlotte]

she felt the weight of the ed shift slightly as he rose from it. rolling back over, she frowned slightly, watching him begin to dress himself. was this it? was this really the end? sitting up, she drew her legs protectively to her chest. could she jus let him walk out, and that would be the end? it wasn’t like they could just move past this, - go back to just sleeping together. feelings were involved now, they couldn’t just get back there. paralysed on her bed, bea just remained seated, watching him dress quickly, his face a mess of emotion. her eyebrows were furrowed into a slight frown, as she tried to understand this. would he really just leave with nothing to say, no word of explanation or apology? just gone as though none of this had happened.

and then he was out of the door, telling her he couldn’t change. for a moment, she stayed there, shell-shocked. yeah, you shouldn’t change for people, bea understood that. but she didn’t want him to change for her, but change for himself. the boy was a mess, she saw herself as doing a favour. realising that in a moment he’d be out of the front door and out of her life, she rose from the bed, her feet quickly pattering down the landing. she knew she wasn’t dressed, and she knew she wasn’t exactly being quiet, slamming her bedroom door behind her. but she got to a point where she just didn’t care and courtesy for the others living in her house just flooded out of her mind. sure, if they came out to see what was going on they’d find her barely clothed, but they’d seen her worse - having come home from nights out completely out of it, they’d undressed her a couple of times before putting her to bed. they’d done it for her, and she’d done it for him, it was practically a rite of passage.

crossing into the communal area of the flat, she found him stood by the front door. her feet were loud as she crossed the threshold between them. she had nothing to say, just shook her head, still frowning, before reaching past ash, and putting one hand on the door, limiting the space between the two of them. sure, he was stronger than her, and even with her pushing the door closed he could still open it, but at least this way she had tried to stop him leaving. “so that it, is it ash?” her voice was angry, no longer a whisper, no longer trying to keep her flatmates from waking up. she at least hoped they’d just stay in their rooms to listen, instead of coming out to see who she was talking to. “seriously, that’s it? you’re just going to leave, just like that?” her voice was rising, and she knew that her anger would be clear to him, and she just hoped he wouldn’t get angry in turn. actually, part of her hoped he would, she could deal better with confrontation than ash just being sad. this way she could at least put up a decent fight.

her palm was still flat against the front door, meaning she was standing pretty close to him, her face looking up at his, hoping the height difference wasn’t going to defeat her argument since he was looking down on her. she sighed, lips pursed, shaking her head again. “so you’re choosing alcohol and girls over me? you know, i thought i meant more to you than that. but i guess i must just be so stupid, because you don’t ever mean anything you say, do you?!” perhaps this wasn’t the right approach. by being so angry, he would probably just walk out, not wanting to deal with her in this crazy mood. but she couldn’t help how angry she was feeling. he had lured her into this false sense of security, made her think that relationships weren’t that terrible, and now he was planning to leave at the first sight of trouble. “you can change, you’re just being too selfish to, because just carrying on with life as it is is easier. but you know what, you can’t just fuck off at the first sign of trouble. i’m not going to let you.” her eyes were open stupidly wide, as though she was a deer caught in the headlights of a car. but she was determined not to cry, as she felt the water filling her eyes, and her vision blurred. she would not cry.

tags;; callie
words;; 764
notes;; woop! go callie!

[ash]

there was the pounding of her feet first, he found that slightly humorous as she was a dancer, weren't dancers supposed to have light feet? he would have joked about it any other time, poked fun at her until she broke into a fit of laughter. then there was her hand on the door, a hand he had grasped onto many times, so so many times. he probably would have grabbed it any other time, maybe if this was some sort of game. but this wasn't a game, this was another one of his fuck-ups and there was no way out of it now. he was trapped in her dorm, her breathing heavy with anger and he was on the receiving end of it. he rested his head on the cool door quickly, let out a breath, then turned to face her.

she was livid, she was speaking to him angrily, rushed. he deserved it, but it still picked at him. his temper was rising too. soon it overwhelmed him, she was almost done speaking. he tried to calm down. but then she said her last words. since when does somebody else get to control him. he raised his hand and brought it down fast before he knew what he was doing. his hand was balled in a fist, going towards her fast. it didn't hit her though. he turned at the last second, lightly grazing the wall behind him in an awkward motion that peeled the skin off of his fingers. blood dribbled out of the newly ripped of flesh, but he couldn't feel it. the anger had taken over. he stared at her, a hard look in his eyes. who the hell did she think she was? not even she could control him. sure, he had messed up but that gave her no right to control him whatsoever. his breath was coming out in short heavy huffs, he tried to calm down but it just wasn't working.

he was aware of her arm still beside his head, pushing on the door. he grabbed it. it was a tight grip, strong enough to leave bruises. he'll blame it on the alcohol later, he knows it, she does too he thinks. he pulls her arm away from her, tries to throw it by her side and fails. it twisted at an awkward angle. he let's go. it didn't hurt her, he thinks. and then he's crying, his frustration and anger mingling into salty tears that were running down his face. what the fuck is wrong with me? he couldn't face her, not after what he just did. he hurt her, physichally and emotionally all because of a few too many drinks. he really needed help. she was trying to provide it, he was too stubborn to accept.

"i'm sorry, i'm so so so sorry. i'm sorrysorrysorrysorry. sorrysorrysorry," he babbled on his tears running into his mouth. he stops, he doesn't want her to comfort him. he doesn't want it nor does he deserve it. he stands, shakily and slowly his limbs feeling much heavier than they actually are. "you are going to let me bea, you are going to forget me, move on too somebody else. i don't deserve you. what the fuck am i saying?" he loses his train of thought. rubs at his face a bit. he doesn't know what to say, so he just doesn't. none of that made sense, nothing about him makes sense, he knows this fact. he pulls the door open, and slams it on the way out. he stands there for a few moments to see if she'll follow, but decides she isn't going to. he leaves with even more tears running down his face, and sobs that were movie worthy.

OOC: omg what is this post, it isn't over yet

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